3 Behavior Busting Myths
We all have preconceived ideas about how children should behave and explanations as to why they aren’t “behaving.” The way we grew up and our own experience with how our parents dealt with our behavior influences the way we parent our own kids. It seems like everyone has advice on our parenting. I’m sure you have heard it before “you need to set more limits” or “I’d never let my kid act like that.” Unsolicited parenting advice that causes shame and doubt only hinders us from positively dealing with the situation.
The main theme of this old way of thinking is that well-behaved kids are “good” kids with “good” parents. And, kids who engage in disruptive, unsafe, and sometimes just plain old annoying behaviors are “bad.” This is simply not true. Behaviors occur for many reasons and not just because of poor parenting. Research has shown behavior is always communication and always occurs for a reason. Understanding the “why” then leads us to figure out how to replace the problem behavior for a more acceptable alternative. Creating plans to address problem behavior that use positive and proactive interventions instead of reactive and punitive consequences has shown to reduce the amount of problem behavior. And, honestly, is a better experience for parents and their kids. So, in order to learn about how to use that framework, we have to debunk a few myths about behavior.
Myth 1: Behavior is something the child does not who he is. I can’t stress this enough. There are no “bad kids” just “bad behavior.” I get it, dealing with undesirable behaviors is exhausting and frustrating for parents. It’s easy to react out of anger or helplessness when dealing with your child repeatedly engaging in problem behavior. Take a breathe and a step back and see behavior objectively. You can love your child while simultaneously not liking the way they are behaving.
Myth 2: A child could behave better but is “choosing” not to. This is a big one that is completely unproductive in solving behavior problems. Problem behaviors occur when a child is missing skills such as asking for what they want, expressing preferences, waiting, following directions, dealing with frustration, gaining attention, asking for help etc. When we flip the switch and can see that kids will do well if they have the requisite skills to do so than we can depersonalize their behavior and really see it for what it is. This gives us the opportunity to figure out what to do.
Myth 3: Telling isn’t teaching. “I’ve told him a million times…… “ is a frequently heard complaint with parents and teachers. We fall into the trap of telling our kids the behavioral expectation and then think that they know and have the skills to do what we have asked. Behavioral expectations have to be taught. Just like we wouldn’t fault a kid that couldn’t read for not having the skills of decoding, comprehension, and fluency, we shouldn’t fault a kid for not having the skills of communication, self-regulation, and emotional control.
Changing our perspective will directly influence our empathy for understanding why our kids are behaving the way they do. It isn’t just to drive us crazy and cause chaos at home. Although, admittedly it feels like that sometimes! When we start to look at their behavior objectively then we can begin to identify reasons why they are acting in a certain way.
What are they trying to tell us through their behavior?
What is their behavior helping them get or avoid?
What would we rather have them doing?
What skill(s) are missing at this time?
How can we teach them alternative skills that will give them the same result?
This perspective shift gives us power back in giving us a proactive and positive approach to behavior planning. And, it gives us some empathy, love, and patience that is invaluable when you are struggling with behaviors that are creating stress.
Drop a comment below with your number one behavioral challenge at home. And, if you need support or a customized plan for your child’s behavior than schedule a complimentary call to see if parent coaching is the right fit for you.