Stop Yelling.... 3 Steps to Turn Chaos into Calm
The number one complaint I hear from parents is that they are so tired of yelling at their kids. Why can’t they just listen! Does this sound like you? Are there times of your day that you just dread because you know for a fact that they aren’t going to do what you tell them and the situation is going to escalate?
We are going to break down solutions for these challenges that you can easily incorporate at home. The 3 strategies we are going to cover come out of research and cutting-edge interventions in the area of Positive Behavior Supports. Positive behavior supports focus on prevention of problem behavior through clear expectations, routines, and teaching. This method looks at behavior as a skill just like reading or math that can be taught. It’s a proactive approach that gets results but takes some time, so start slow, but definitely give these tips a try.
The first tip is to teach predictable home expectations. These are your family “values.” Typically they are broader than rules. Most of the time, expectations center around themes such as “be safe,” “be responsible,” and “be respectful.” Really, you can put just about anything under these 3 categories. So, for example, you may want kids to “be safe” by not jumping on the couch. “Be responsible” by making sure they put their shoes on in the morning, brush their teeth at night, or get their backpack ready for school. Rules for “be respectful” might be using kind words, speaking with an inside voice, or helping each other out. The idea is to pick 3-5 top expectations….. Think about the things that drive you the most crazy and go with that. Once you know which expectations you want to focus on, now comes the time to teach them. We want to make these expectations part of how your family “does business.” They should be posted, discussed, and reinforced daily. Everyone in the family should know and follow them. Remember, teaching is more than just telling and teaching takes time. Rome wasn’t built in a day!
The second tip is to use your predictable expectations to develop predictable routines. Are you seeing a theme here? Predictability is our best friend as it creates habits and structure. Kids, and adults too, thrive on structure and routine. Start small! Pick the time of day where you struggle the most and build a routine for what you would like to happen during this time. Is the morning awful? Then start with waking up, brushing teeth, combing hair, getting dressed, and eating breakfast. There are so many options: meal routines, playtime routines, bedtime routines, after school routines etc. Once you pick the time of day and know exactly what you want your child to do then create a visual schedule. This can be very simple and low tech. There are ways to create a picture schedule if your child doesn’t read, or if they do then you can use symbols with words, or just words. Pinterest is a fantastic place to find resources. There are also Ipad apps that will help you build visual schedules. And, don’t forget, a plain old piece of paper with some pictures or clip art will work just fine. Just start somewhere and don’t over complicate it! You want to keep the schedule visible, refer back to it often, and have them cross out, check off, or remove items once they are completed so they see their own progress. Teaching a routine will work best with a visual support like a schedule. I know I would be lost without my calendar and so would most people I know. So, don’t expect your kids to be any different.
Okay, now once you have your predictable expectations and routines, then it’s time to teach and reward positive behavior. Your child will need to learn what each of these things mean and then demonstrate the behavior that you expect (i.e. following the rules or completing the routine). I’m going to tell you that they will mess up…. That’s to be expected and part of the learning process. Your job is to give specific feedback when you see positive behavior and use a coaching approach when you see negative behavior. Don’t take anything for granted so even acknowledging “I like how you put on your shoes so fast” is a great place to start. If they don’t put on their shoes, remind them calmly of the expectation of “being responsible” and show them the visual on their schedule of putting their shoes on. You will have to be available during this time to ensure they follow through with this. I know it might be a big ask since every parent knows how crazy it can get trying to get out of the house. But, this is where putting the time in up front will really pay off. You might also think about a bigger reward for completing the routine. Think about small things your child might want to “work for” during this learning process. Reinforcing positive behavior can go a long way to increase motivation to do what is asked.
Ready to try it? There are excellent resources on teaching positive behavior support for parents available. Parent coaching is another alternative to give you support and help you problem solve and tweak your plan.
Leave a comment below and tell us the biggest pain point in your day.